The worst thing to happen to me during pregnancy thus far

So I thought the hemorrhoids were bad, but they really weren’t. In fact, I haven’t really had any problems with them after that one time I posted about them. I’ve had hemorrhoids more times non-pregnant than I have pregnant, actually! So other than getting fatter, growing more chins to support my greasy face, experiencing bad bouts of heartburn and the uncomfortable nights of sleeplessness, things have been going okay. As far as aesthetic “extras,” hell, my belly button hasn’t even popped out (yet? I’ve read it can happen late, when you least expect it) and I didn’t get the linea nigra (yet? again, read that can happen at the very, very end). And so far, I’ve had zero swelling. So I was feeling okay about things, at least the best I could.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had my vanity meltdowns here and there (like hemorrhoids, though, I had such meltdowns pre-pregnancy). I am going to have a ton of weight to lose because I had gotten very fat during the year leading up to my pregnancy, so that’s daunting. I’ve tried to make myself feel better about that by sort of planning my postpartum regimen of diet, exercise, etc. I also try to quiet my inner critic by looking at local plastic surgeons’ handiwork online so I know my options. Despite trying to remain positive and telling myself it will all be worth it, I have definitely shed some tears lately over looking like some National Geographic pictorial. Poor David soldiers on, telling me I’m beautiful, etc., but I don’t believe him because he has to say those things.

I felt a bit better yesterday until I saw something in the mirror that made my heart stop: little stretch marks on the underside of my belly. Oh, I had been so smug all these months–no stretch marks, la la la. WRONG. Here they were, creeping up on me in my 35th week. They are faint, but they are there. They kind of look like a kindly badger put his paws on me for a bit too long. So at least they aren’t full-on Freddy Krueger-esque marks of shame. But still, I’m having a hard time accepting these physical changes (don’t even get me started on how terrified I am about what birth is going to do to my bottom) and basically want to cover every mirror in the house and sit shiva for my beauty and youth.

Last night, as my sweet husband rubbed lotion on my hideous new stretch marks, I cried and told him he better not ever leave me because clearly I would never be able to get a date, considering the aesthetic disrepair I am facing. And then David–mean, mean David–decided to play dirty. After days of listening to me bitch and moan about my looks, he knew there was only one way to really shut me down. He hugged me and calmly told me he knew all this physical change was hard but most everything could be fixed after I have the baby. He said, “Imagine how I felt–my looks changed in one day and I could never change them back.” Jackass. He rarely plays the brain tumor card but he knows he will always win with it.


February 10, 2011. Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. ulla replied:

    You are too funny! I have a new mommy to be. And i was in the process of losing weight so the pregnancy is conflicting me as to what i should do activity wise.

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